He had it coming.

I don't like bugs.

And I hate earwigs.

They're uber creepy looking. I believe that's the core reason behind my distaste for them, I'm afraid of them. Every time I see one I get this sinking feeling that it's plotting my doom.

So imagine my revulsion this morning, when I was minding my own business, walking from the bedroom to the kitchen, in MY house, and I saw a bug on the wall.

But not just any bug, an earwig.

A lesser man would have panicked. Screamed for Kaydrie and run for the hills. Fortunately I am a man of sterner stuff than most. (I've often been referred to as a man of "true grit.")

As such, I responded to this direct assault on my domicile with necessarily escalated violence. Though pacifists the world over will decry what they will consider excessive action, I could not allow for this invasion to go unpunished.

The bugs needed to know who they were messing with. They needed to know "the way things was gonna be."

So I made an example of him.

I couldn't just squash him. Stepping on him was out of the question, just brushing him outside would not have been enough. I couldn't afford for the possibility that his outcome be confused with an accident.

Insectotopia needed to be made aware that this was intentional on my part. I had a chance to make known, once and for all, that I will not treat, I will not negotiate; I will give no quarter and I am out for blood.

So I took the earwig insurgent and wrapped him in a napkin (Gently. I didn't want to injure him, yet.).

Took him outside and lit him up.

I lit the napkin at both ends so that the earwig in the middle would slowly feel the heat as it encompassed him. I didn't want him to just burn up right away, I wanted it to take a minute as the flames crept closer and closer.

Very soon all that remained was a puff of ash and the charred exoskeleton of our eery (get it?) assailant.

I felt vindicated.
The assault on my house had been repulsed.
I had done my duty as husband and protector to assure that my wife and home were safe, that we can rest our heads at night without worry.
Most importantly, I had a left a message to the bug kingdom that could not be misinterpreted.

All in a Saturday morning.

In honor of my grandiose victory I utilized the meager resources I had on hand and swiftly assembled a small trophy in the backyard (see below) to my prowess.